ANCHORAGE. US vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has vowed that if John McCain overcomes incontinence and yellow teeth to enter the White House she will guarantee that the teaching of evolution is replaced by Palintology in all high schools. According to Republican science advisors Palintology is the study of why God hid dinosaur bones all over the world 6,000 years ago.
Speaking to journalists from her Wasilla home where she was hosting a book-burning honouring the Brides of Alaska Uzi Appreciation Society, Palin said it was time America's children learned the truth about the world they were going to invade and occupy one day.
"We need to stop teaching lies to our children," she said, singling out the current theories on global energy supply as a case in point.
"My little girl wakes up screaming every night going 'Mommy, when the oil runs out am I going to have to kill Russians?'
"After I've calmed her down and told her that it will never come to that thanks to something called a preemptive thermonuclear intervention, I ask her: who told her oil was running out? And who told her it was okay for girls to think they can have careers in the military?"
She said that if Palintology were taught in American schools, her daughter and millions like her would learn the truth.
"It is ludicrous to insist that oil is made of decayed dinosaurs and prehistoric plant matter. That would take tens of millions of years, and science has shown that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago."
Instead, she said, oil was "the tears of the pioneer children as they walked barefoot across the Great Plain, persecuted all the way to Oregon by hostile Apaches, Jews, Negroes, homosexuals, Muslims, theatre people, conceptual artists and Satanists, 2,000 years ago".
"As long as American children are weeping for the betrayed dreams of the Founding Fathers, there will be oil," said Palin.
However, she said, the central thrust of Palintology would be to understand why God decided to hide dinosaur bones all over the world approximately 4,000 years ago.
"There's a lot we don't understand about the whole fossil thing," said Palin.
"For example, did God make dinosaurs, let them live out a normal life, and then boil them down to get nice pristine bones? Or did He just create the bones and skip all the stinky boiling stuff?"
"Did He bury the bones through an act of divine will, causing them simply to materialize hundreds of feet below the surface, or, as some theologians are suggesting, did He have a massive heavenly dog, a sort of cosmic Golden Retriever, who buried the bones for Him?
"We aren't sure."
But, she promised, four years in the White House would be "plenty of time to do the research, get it all codified and written down in a nice pocket-sized volume, and ship it out to the kids".
Courtesy of Hayibo.com
-- Edited by minoglie at 19:22, 2008-09-26
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